6/23/19 Sunday 7/20/19 Saturday

You will know. That’s what they say. The people who are clearly meant to be and have been together ‘forever’.  I was skeptical, considering how many times I thought I met the one, a few too many. I’ve decided it was the alcohol and low self esteem.

I started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol when I was 13. A shy, naive teenager with no self worth. And despite how much I wanted love, I listened to everyone who told me not to look for it, it will find me. Therefore I spent a lot of time drinking, working and surviving. 

Around the age of 31 I finally quit drinking. I was getting sick and blacking out every time I drank. Several years later, I found out that I had tumors, confirming my belief that I was dying. Thankfully they were benign and after removal, I was on the slow road to recovery. Very slow. 

When I quit drinking, I was in a relationship that never should have been, ended it and chose to stay single for awhile so I could reflect on what was happening. Why I was always in a relationship with guys who were never good enough. I knew I deserved better and could do better, there were a couple good ones but I always tried too hard with the wrong ones. Then I got sick and had some major spiritual problems along with the tumors. 

I’ve always believed in the power of thought but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the negative, therefore I only made things worse. My first stay at the psyche ward was to get away, lock myself away from all the energy so I could figure how to stop everyone around me from hurting me. I met Michael, who only stood out to me after he told me that he could feel me and it hurt him.

At first I thought he was a jerk, even though he could play the piano better than anyone I’ve ever met. He was telling people to stay away from the witch. I left him a note on the piano telling him exactly what being Wiccan meant to me and it changed everything between us. But seven months later, I was still alone and more depressed and confused than I have ever have been in my life and I tried to end it. 

I woke up in the ICU after three days of an induced coma and a few seizures. I knew where they were taking me next and I knew He would be there. Michael really was trying to help; I knew as soon as the doors swung open at the psyche ward and Donnie was standing there staring at me, that Donnie is the one for me. Yeah, I knew. I felt it, I had been looking for it, I was shown what he was like and there He was. 

But it didn’t go so well. I never told him how much I liked him. I never hugged him. But I waited. Two years and five months later, I’ve been trying to cut those strings and get him out of my head. For a long time, I thought we would be together. Now I don’t think it’s going to happen in this life. I’m feeling like I’m being forced to help myself, that I’ll never get that life I want. 

But every time I actually forget about Donnie, I think I see him. The other day at Perkins. From the back, I thought for sure it was him but then I saw his face. He was too pale and his face was too long, thankfully, this guy had the most awful mustache. And now Donnie is in my head again, I can’t forget that face. This time, I’m not indulging, I’m pushing him out. I started a playlist of the songs from 2019 that I like. So far, they’re all saying goodbye also. I even called it Goodbyes after the Post Malone song. It’s hard. I can’t think too far ahead, thinking I’m going to be alone and fighting to survive on my own. I just try to think about now and tomorrow but not much farther. One day I will accept it and it won’t hurt anymore. I’m living for that day 

Carol Riley



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